Are you a witless cretin without cause to live? Do you want to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then great job, because just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you may ever need: The Onion’s compendium of most things known.

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of details, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and extra costs to edify sometimes the most simple-minded book-buyer, THE ONION Reserve OF KNOWN Understanding is packed with useful information-such as the life stages of the Aunt; areas to eliminate one’s self in Utica, NY; and the sizes of a female bucket, or ‘pail.’ With hundreds of entries for many 27 letters from the alphabet, THE ONION Publication OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.